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dissolution of the ego
finding my path
  All alone on a Friday night....sigh.

 It's been a rough week. Work pressure is mounting and I am single as I type. Not really sure what happened there...we are going to try and spend some time together tomorrow but I am not sure if getting back together is what I want...or need.
  Sometimes I feel as though I have become one selfish bastard - I like my time alone. Maybe it's my way of avoiding commitment...?

  On a musical note -

  I am down with disco.
  and Eisley.
  and Amadou and Mariam
  and Tegan and Sara.
  and Manu Chaou.

Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: Rufus - Tell me Something Good

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  My achilles tendon has become inflamed...

" I am Marty's inflamed achilles tendon - watch me hobble him and render him crippled..."

 Sorry - that was a bit of improvised Fight Club.  My real name is Marty btw.

 I have just fallen in love with Fiona Apple...Tidal...oy - what an album.

Current Music: Fiona Apple - Slow Like Honey

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  Most of the time I feel like some sort of online voyeur.  I rarely post and when I do - for some reason I run out things to say.
 Now that's rarely the case in real life. I am always thinking.

 Thinking.
  Thinking.
   Thinking.

  So many of you I wonder about all the time.  I read your journals and when you are down...I often think of you while I am at work or driving. I want to give so much more of myself but I feel as though it would be presumptious to assume familiarity...anyone else ever feel that way?

  Often my sense of humor is dry and deadpan - it comes across even worse online than face to face. I would hate to have someone think I was being a smartass when I am just being...me.

  Just to let you all know...I care..I really do.  If anyone ever wonders if your words reach out and touch anyone over these internets - well, they do.

  It is trying so hard to rain out here in the desert. The clouds are dumping water haphazardly all over the valley. I love rain - that's one of things I miss so much. Thunderstorms along Lake Michigan. Walking down Halsted St with an umbrella, turn west on Belmont, down to the Lake and sit and watch the clouds and the water.
  I miss the skyline. Especially early in the morning after the clubs - sunrises on Oak Street Beach.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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  Absolutely beat - 11th day in a row, 10 hrs a day. I am not sure I like being the boss...when do I get a break?

  Just foolin...I LOVE being in charge...I just needed a quick whine and now I am off to bed....to dream of a social life and of long wet kisses.
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I am rediscovering POE again...HELLO indeed.

Wow - how did I forget about this CD?
Angry Johnny - it blows me away.
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I have been away again....for a bit.

I tend to read more than I post but then I am realizing that I am missing out on what I like most about on line communities - it's the interaction.

Man, I went to the gym today after work. I need to add that I am just starting a nine to five job (more or less) and it's kinda weird, usually I have been a night job kinda guy, or self employed. So anyways - I go the gym and it is freaking crowded. Like, wait in line crowded...I left. I can't exercise like that. I like it quiet and empty..I can't concentrate with all those people in there.

Ok, I just went thru and read my last few entries...

Still in Phoenix.
As much as I miss Chicago...it's not time for me to go back yet. I feel this in my heart. I took a new job out here and it's good. It's hard work and nothing I am familiar with...but it's challenging and rewarding on a totally different level. I am a manager for one of the biggest auto auctions in the country. We use inmate labor and while it's challenging, it's also cool because we get to give these guys a chance at redeeming themselves and regaining their self respect. I believe in second chances...
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  OK my tongue is a dead slab of meat in my mouth - I just got back from the dentist where I was tortured for a an hour and a half. It's good that I am only typing here as you would undoubtedly laugh at the thound of my voith...
  I caved in to those feelings of loneliness I wrote about last entry. I don't know why either...I am leaving here in May and that's final. I can't wait to get back to Chicago. Sometimes I watch ER just to get a glimpse of the city...pretty sad. I think about all the things I love there - being on the Lake front during a beautiful Sunday afternoon, riding my bike thru the city around 4 in the morning (the city is all mine then), going to Tower Records late at night (open til midnight), getting a taxi afer going out all night during a snowstorm when there is no sound and the world is white and quiet, riding the EL around the downtown loop as a late afternoon thunderstorm rolls in, Christmas shopping on Michigan Av...late night meals at Bar Louie (the one on Chicago & Franklin)...I just can't wait.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Cat Power - The Greatest

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  Alas, I am going through that that weird sort of Post-Break-up-THING  where I am lonely and I miss her. But then I think about all the grief she caused me and the lies and I feel, kinda, slightly inclined to forget all that. It's like this constant effort on my part to keep myself in the moment.
 Otherwise, I keep thinking that I miss her and I want that closeness, actual physical closeness - feel her, smell her. I miss kissing.
  But damn! She caused me no small amount of hassle when we split....vindictive is a good word for this woman scorned.

  Only 6 more weeks out here in the desert ...

Current Mood: lonely lonely
Current Music: none

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  Well damn!

  I have been away for a bit - just been working and not in a real internet state of mind. But I am back.
  Thinking about moving back to Chicago in May, getting my real estate license again and going back to work for Keller Williams. Got this gorlfriend thing here tho that I need to workout. It's not gonna last between me and her but I don't want to hurt her. It's just time for me to move on and get back to my life in the city...

  Ok - what's new with everyone else?
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  I am in love, I am not in love ~ I am so damn confused I don't know what to think.

  It's been a rocky ride for the holiday and I am worn out I tell you. Never shop on Christmas eve if you can help it.

  Btw ~ if anyone knows how to read women's minds...PLEASE...I could use some help.

  Going to bed now

Current Mood: tired tired

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